huh?

so it kept me up. i created a monster. i heard it in your voice. you're not the same person. you were strong, you were bold, you were all the things i never was and wanted to be. you were a bitch. rolled over, it was 3:30. all i could hear was your voice, just the tone of desperation, you seemed almost human. who's to say who's undeserving, though it still hurts. it's a curse, we'll detroy everyting we touch.

so i totalled me car, shame i wasn't killed. i met the cutest guy from alaska at the akbar on friday, the only good thing about that day.

it hasn't been a week and i'm already going insane. aaron picked me up from work and then we smoked out. i need to stretch my plugs and find a new job. i'm toned so this entry sucks.

so it's been a full week that i've lived here. new house, new town. and a new job. i'm living like a squatter, no phone, no hot water, and boarded up windows. the living room is stacked with boxes and littered with couches. the bathroom is empty save a toothbrush. the spare room has a ladder(which the previous owner left behind), a stool, a printer, and still more boxes. then there's my room, a bare mattress in the corner, an open suitcase spilling with clothes, a lamp, my fisher price record player and an empty tequila bottle.

did i mention there's a pool? the pool was nice, was. my dreams of cocktail parties by a sparkiling pool and now crushed by the reallity of a pabst kegger by the swamp. it seems that only a few pool guys know how to clean my particular type of pool(some wierd salt water chlorineless variety), and it's been a bitch finding one. though with that said i decieded to forgo bathing and swim instead. it gets scarier and scarier everyday. atleast ten minutes is spent debating on whether or not to go in, testing the water and screaming like a girl at the freezing water. it ultimately ended with me jumping in and swimming over to the shallow end backwards, to make sure the swamp thing isn't following me. i don't know why i freak myself out about it, i should probablly be more afraid of getting a skin infection from the algae then an alligator pulling me under. i guess it's the same type of fear i'd get at the zoo, i'd think some how i'd fall over the security fence, and then the other one, somehow float across the moat, and wake the lions to maimed or devoured. i seem to get the same fear in most social sitautions.

i need to stop my irrational fears, maybe i'd make more friends. though last nights freak out a possum attack shows there is a long road ahead.

entirely different note, last sunday was awesome. went mini golfing, ate a lot of food, went swimming, went to the movies, and then got fucked pretty hard. i've had sex with three different peole this week, hmm i don't know what to say about that. friday me and aaron went to underground, i got trashed, and puked when i got home. saturday, i snorted 5 xanex with aaron's girlfriend's friend and ended up making out on the grass, and i vaguely remember sucking his cock. i remember after we spooned on the living room floor. aaron found my belt outside. today we snuck into the theatre and saw flight plan.

i went to mj's last night, hadn't been there in awhile, it was okay. a freak from encounters called me, fucking creep.

i'm starting to figure things out. tonight i'm going out with ron and jermaine, and he'd better not hit on me because i can get way more ghetto than his ass.

i started tweaking again two weeks ago. stopped a few days ago, went through the whole sickness and shit and it blew.

made out with one of aaron's friends out of pity, immediately vomitted after, way to much jager. moving to la habra heights in a few weeks, new place is sweet, aaron said he want's to live with me.

sunset junction was fun, saw a bunch of people i knew. hey willpower was awesome, i love that band. i made out with some guy at encounters last week, it was cool, we smoked a blunt then made out all hardcore.

i finally cut my hair, here's an old new pic.

for the fourth of july this year i went on a carnival cruise to ensenada. the next four days at sea proved interesting to say the least. the very first night we raided my suitcase for the alcohol, i planned on it last more then 4 hours. it did not. we found ourselves taking tequila shots in the jacuzzi. two girls from kentucky joined us. i quickly bowed out having no interest in the girls. i headed to my room and puts some pants on. i headed one of the quieter decks. i sparked up, and noticed a guy about 5 feet to my left. he looked over at me a few times, so i offered him a cigarette, he declined, but we struck up a conversation. he said he was an elementy teacher. i lit up another one, and he said that he'd like one aswell. i gave him one and leaned in to lite it, it was windy so he cupped his hands around it aswell, i lit it but we both stayed leaned in for what seemed like forever. he touched my chin and pulled me in and we started kissing. we made out all over the deck of that boat. i got back to my room at about 4am.

we were supposed to meet up in ensenada in the morning but both our phones got zero reseption in mexico and anytime we were in international waters. chris, aaron and i headed to papa's and beer. i put away two buckets of beers and a few cuervo. the gys wanted to stay for the wet t shirt contest, i decided i'd leave them for a bit and pick up a few gifts. no pharmicia carried methadone, so i had to settle for valium, i popped a few and floated around the city for 6 hours. while this was happening, chris and aaron went to a strip club, chris ended up getting a private room with two girls and two grams of coke for 30 bucks. finally made my way back to the boat. before i went through the first security check, i stuck my new pipe and weed into my shoe, but forgot about the 20 valiums in my back pocket. i walked through no problem. unfortunately i wasn't as luckythe second time around. got through the metal detector without a beep, and turned around to pick up my bags. the security guard stopped me and asked what was in my back pocket. i tried to play it dumb, but he reached in there and pulled out the pills, he was like what's this, valium? ecstasy? i just ended up saying it was diazapan(like it made a difference.) thankfully, they just took it away, but i was shitting bricks for the rest of the trip, expecting security to bust into our cabin at any time.

later that night i met up with sal again (the teacher) and we did a lot more making out, and ended up fooling around in the bathroom of my cabin while chris and aaron were asleep.

sunday was a day to end all days. i drank continuously on sunday, i sang kareoke, and took full advantage of the private cocktail party me and chris got invited to. later we chilled in the jacuzzi, and some guys from las vegas kept buying us tequila shots. i made my out to wake aaron up so we could hang out in one of the lounges. a few people joined us. most of the time i talked with this girl from orange county, she had full sleeves on both arms. we talked for awhile and she said she'd notice me out on the deck and she said she thought i was hot. i blushed and told her she was gay, they guy sitting next to her got all surprised, later in mthe night he was hugging and dancing with me, he said i was the coolest gay guy he's met. the group we were talking to asked us if we wanted to goto the club. i danced with the girl with the sleeves, i think her name was michelle she wrote her number on a napkin, but i don't know if i'm going to call her. we danced and made out a few times. this is where the scenes start to cut out.

i woke up with no idea when or how i got into bed, i sat up and noticed i was naked and our shower was running. i threw some clothes on and headed to breakfast to find aaron and chris, both said they'd stayed in other rooms last night because they couldn't get into ours because i wasn't there when they ended the night at 4. me and chris go back to the room to shower and change, we had the door open. the guy who works on our floor came in and asked me and chris which one of us was the one walking aound the halls naked. he said that security found one of us asleep in front of the room door naked. my mouth dropped wide open. to add insult to injury, i lost my cell phone. apparently i was wondering the halls naked and rambling incoherently. i had to piece together he night from many different sources. after the club i went to the comedy club where i was being obnoxiously loud. aaron said he'd found me in the stairway coming down from the bathroom, he said that i was going back to the bar i said some guy was buying me drinks and i thought he was cute. so he told me to be careful and that he'd meet up with me later, sadly was all the information i could gather about that night, though the rest of the day i had people i didn't know saying hi to me and asking me how i felt this morning. aaron and chris have not let me live it down since we got home.

the worst thing is i had sal's phone number on my phone, i have no way of getting ahold of him.

i have no grasp of time.

my my little pony collection is at a grand total of two, my pockets are only so big, and the hearts of goodwill are only so generous. just been three weeks, and i feel trapped.

tomorrow i apply to home depot, orange was never my color.

the ex models are playing tonight, but i already saw them on monday, with the chinese stars.

next week, or next year, it all feels the same. this same face, these same hands, the same same.

have a drink, one for every friend that will forget your name. you're going to make that mistake, again and again.

i haven't had sex in a bout a month.

keeping so busy that i forget to remember. still empty, still empty.

goodluck roland, goodluck.

railed a a few methadone, felt great. then carlos imed me, i didn't know what to say, i don't know what to say to him. it's just all stupid. i signed off after awhile before i said to much. slept 12 hours and had the most vivid dreams of my life. so bright out today almost went for another bike journey. trying not to smoke weed since i may have to take a drug test soon, here's to hoping i get that job. if not, i'm never going to get my car fixed.

limp wrist is having a show, i might go. it seems like forever since i've gone out.

...but i'm slowly running out.

mescaline bound when the rain stops. if goodwill likes me, i'll have to do a complete detox, so i'd better be cleaner.

so depressed lately, my worlds crashing and burning, i can't get off this rock.

we went off roading in whittier, and then drove on the same park where aaron broke his wrist. i got shot with a bb gun. i made my mom watch gummo, she couldn't watch all of it.

i got a fatter ass for christmas.

new year's was good, ron, jenna and i went to steven's. mario gave me a few coke bumps, and suddenly chugging a whole bottle of champagne seemed like a bright idea, so i drank two, under the influence of steven. after me and steven smoked a few bowls.

after midnight, we went to par avion, saw familiar faces, kissed david and hugged danny. crashed the party on the other side of the ramada inn. then puked my guts out in the bathroom. stayed at ron's, and woke up early but he was asleep so i laid in bed for two hours. we ate tamales and then he took me home. he lent me gummo and i'm in love with the movie.

lately all i've been doing is going to aaron's, smoking out, playing halo 2, and eating to much del taco and wendy's. i'm going to try and eat more tofu, just to balance that shit out.

there's no warmth this winter.

because i've seen my mother cry,
more than any son should
i've been slowly killing myself
and the idea's looking good.

but it's not fair, that's just life. everytime i look up from my feet it seems what i'm looking for gets further and further away, it's become so distorted that i don't even know what it is anymore. tired of holding strong, holding tough, holding true, the proofs on my pillow when i wake up every morning.

so last night i had nothing to do, trapped at home another night. popped two methadone that i had been saving. laid in bed and listened to disentegration on a loop. hot flashes and hallucinations. after the first few hours i felt better, stopped crying, and drifted through conciousness. ron called me from some club, i should have told him to come over or something, i needed someone to hug. fell asleep and probablly had the best sleep i've ever had. a little hard to wake up, but i drank some green tea to shake off the drowsy-ness. now i keep shivering and it's not even that cold in here.

so in a days time since i made my declaration(see previous entry), i already threw it out the window. tequila, weed, and a cute jewish boy are to blame. it was pretty damn hot.

i will devote my life to asexuality, vegetarianism and drawing.

note: this will probablly go out the window once a boy makes out with me.

my stomachs been killing me this whole week. i'm looking like shit lately. i need to lose weight.

i wish i was better at talking to people. maybe i should just be put in a cage like the animal i am. i need some light in my life.

maybe it should be one of my priorities. i mean i'm already 20, going on 21. i guess i need more substance, more reality, real people. it's on hiatus.

yeah changed this thing, need to work on it more maybe, but i suck.